Maybe...It's Fear
Maybe we're sad. As One Consciousness, maybe we're sad. Sad because we have no memory of who we are, and because of it have become destructive in nature. Consumers and not producers. We kill each other. We don't protect children. We're afraid all of the time, like we're the weakest of the litter, awaiting death like there's nothing we can do. Fear. That fear has worn many faces, including anger, hate, lack of self love, low self esteem, bullying, dictatorship, quitting, compliance, the intentional ignorance when we purposely turn our backs when things happen because "It's not me. It's not my kid. It's not my people. It's not my family. It's not my culture. It's not my country. It's not my 'race'. It's just an animal. They're just trees." It's all fear. Fear exists because we believe, in some way, we are less than. Fear exists because we believe we are separate. Fear exists because we believe we are limited. Fear exists because we believe the reflection. Fear exists because we've awakened in the wilderness with no recollection of who we are and are grasping at any and everything to survive.
And so we've allowed the program to tell us. Only their recount of our history isn't really OUR story. And, out of fear, we believe it. I remember feeling this way. Remember saying, "I just wanna be right." Even wrote a poem about it (listed below). I was sad...maybe even depressed. I'd come home from work, grab the bottle of tequila from the kitchen cabinet, and sat alone in my room in silence. I was a Christian then, a lesbian one, if there is such a thing. My wife and I hadn't married yet, but I loved her with all of my heart and knew that some day I would. But I knew, according to the beliefs I subscribed to, I wasn't "right", and it played over and over again in my mind longer than I had wanted.
I loved Jesus. He was my friend, and I knew in my heart I loved people like He did and so I knew He had a purpose for me. But...I was in love with a woman, and even though He never shamed me for it, I felt "wrong". I didn't understand. "Why would He reject me when we had the same heart? How can I be wrong when the ones who we were "right" got away with so much?" I thought. I broke up with my wife, then girlfriend, at least twice over this. It was not a good look. Smh. And now that I think about it, I believe my awakening began around that time. December 2012. It started with my perception of Jesus and my relationship with him. (Next it shifted to my origins...where I came from. Then to "who am I?"). I remember reading the Bible feeling sad, looking for answers, until I realized the replay going on in my head were the voices of others who had told me "I needed to get right." It was not the voice of God (and yes, I've heard Its voice before, but I'll save that for another post). I was scared and let the voices of others become my Truth. They became apart of my "book of law", and in doing so, felt less than, not good enough, tainted even. I hated myself for not being "right". For not being what I was expected to be, regardless of meeting the standard in all other areas. I'm still healing from it, and recognize it as a need for self love and self care. Once I started listening to the Inner Voice over the voices of others, the feeling of dread went away.
I say all of this to say, no matter what your beliefs, no matter who you are, where you're from...maybe it's time to start listening to your Inner Voice. Maybe it's time to reconnect with that and let go of the need to be guided by someone or something else. We've listened to others so much and for so long that sometimes, we don't even hear it speaking to us. Out of fear, we've abandoned our own Inner Knowing, to fit in or to be "right". Out of fear, we've complied even though we didn't agree. Out of fear, we've neglected and rejected others; not realizing that we're doing the same exact thing to ourselves on a soul level. Maybe if we start listening to that still small voice, we wouldn't be so sad...so angry...so offended...so fearful. Maybe we would start remembering how connected we really are.
The closer I get to seeing my True Self the more things feel familiar to me, as if I'd always functioned that way. As I continue to take full responsibility for the Life (Light) I've been given, (actively investigating and clearing out old patterns, beliefs, thoughts about others, and perceived limitations aka shadow work), the lighter I feel. I have more energy, can see a clearer picture of who I am and I'm less distracted by what I see in the World. I know that I was not given the spirit of fear so when fear shows itself to me, I don't give in. I stand firm in what I know to be true and confront it head on. Because of this, I am happy with who I am in this moment.
But...don't take my word for it.
Find out for yourself who you are and why you're here. Confront the fears that plague you, remembering the World is the reflection of what's going on within all of Us. No one can do this for you. It is your journey. Only you know for sure who you are. No one else can tell you.
My intention is to share my story and point of view in hopes of encouraging whoever my words resonate with. I, in no way, seek to shame or promote any religious belief, though at times, scriptures will be used in my writings. I am, after all, a student of Life.
With Love & Gratitude
~Shann~
I Just Wanna Be Right
By: S.C. Hughes
Homosexuality...was I born this way...Yes...yes I was.
According to the Word of God we were all born into sin...
So when I entered into this world this homosexual thing I didn't have a choice but to let in...
So it entered in...and for most of my adult life I've been battling it like a pitbull trained to kill it's prey...
Do you know how hard it is to kill the very thing you've grown up feelin'?
Lookin' into the eyes of a man...no one's home...no one.
I look into her eyes and I see home...but I just wanna be right in His eyes...my Creator...my Father...
Everyday day I battle this...this hatred of my sin...if I had a choice...I wouldn't be this way...'cause I just wanna be right in His eyes...I'm His prize...He wants me...the only Man I will ever allow in...I choose Him...forsake her. This everyday battle has driven me to drink myself to sleep...'cause I've chosen to fight against the very Thing keeping me alive.
Don't tell me it's okay...God loves me anyway...
I know He loves me...He talks to me...that's how I know I have to give this up...this thing that keeps me from Him...my soul is at stake...I just wanna be right...
But I don't wanna hurt her...I can't hurt her...this is killing me...I've been keeping this hidden from her...she loves me with her soul...her heart...her being...but God is calling me...torment...I just wanna scream...I've cried so many tears because of this burden I bear...she has no clue...I'm afraid to tell her...break her heart into pieces...I can't hurt her...the best relationship I've ever been in...finally...someone who loves me...FOR REAL...and I have to let her go...could spend the rest of my life with her...my best friend...my homie...but she'll leave me after this...and I'll be alone...without her...torment...I'm fighting for my life...my soul...THIS IS IMPORTANT...WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IN HIM OR NOT...I know I'm called to make a difference in the lives of so many...to bring His people out of Egypt...but I'm stuck...between Him...and her...I just wanna be right in His eyes...
S.C. Hughes
December 6, 2012
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